As an author, I so love it when I stumble across a history fact that will help bring a story to life. For me, there are three types of “history finds.”
1. The “set it on fire” kind of facts, which don’t come very often, but when they do, they have the potential to make a book based off that one fact alone.
2. The “dry facts”, which are really boring, but slightly useful. And,
3. The “general facts,” the ones that are both fun to read and very necessary for giving a story its historical basis.
And it’s even better when I find a whole book of history facts–or two books–or three.
Last week I made one of those fun discoveries and found three different books on politeness and etiquette, 1800’s style. Some of the rules are timeless, especially the ones that apply to character, but others . . . well, just keep reading and you’ll understand. These books were written for American “elites,” and the elite of society sometimes have interesting notions.
Book 1: Martine’s Hand-book of Etiquette, And Guide to True Politeness (1866)
Here is a handbook that applies to everyone, whether man or woman. And it clearly lays out the reason that politeness and etiquette must be learned–
“There is hardly any bodily blemish, which a winning behavior will not conceal, or make tolerable; and there is no external grace, which ill-nature or affectation will not deform.”
The way that you talk matters. When conversing with your friends and callers, great care must be taken so that the subject adheres to “etiquette and politeness.”
“Don’t think of knocking out another person’s brains, because he differs in opinion from you. It will be as rational to knock yourself on the head, because you differ from yourself ten years ago.”
“If you encourage the addresses of a deserving man, behave honorably and sensibly.”
“To try whether your conversation is likely to be acceptable to people of sense, imagine what you say written down, or printed, and consider how it would read; whether it would appear natural, improving and entertaining; or affected, unmeaning, or mischievous.”
And now we get to some of the fun ones.
“Never offer to shake hands with a lady in the street if you have on dark gloves, as you may soil her white ones.”
“Do not cross a room in an anxious manner, and force your way up to a lady merely to receive a bow, as by so doing you attract the eyes of the company toward her. If you are desirous of being noticed by any one in particular, put yourself in their way as if by accident, and do not let them see that you have sought them out; unless, indeed, there be something very important to communicate.”
“Do not offer a person the chair from which you have just risen, unless there be no other in the room.”
“Never take the chair usually occupied by the lady or gentleman of the house, even though they be absent, nor use the snuff-box of another, unless he offer it.”
“Do not lean your head against the wall. You will either soil the paper, or get your hair well powdered with lime.”
“Do not touch any of the ornaments in the houses where you visit; they are meant only for the use of the lady of the house, and may be admired, but not touched.”
Book 2: The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society (1860)
If you are a married woman, chances are that you haven’t been speaking of your husband as you ought to. According to this handbook,
“Never, in speaking to a married lady, enquire for her husband, or, if a gentleman, ask for his wife. The elegant way is to call the absent party by their name; ask Mr. Smith how Mrs. Smith is, or enquire of Mrs. Jones for Mr. Jones, but never for “your husband” or “your wife.” On the other hand, if you are married, never speak of your husband as your “lord,” “husband,” or “good man,” avoid, also, unless amongst relatives, calling him by his Christian name. If you wish others to respect him, show by speaking of him in respectful terms that you do so yourself. If either your own husband or your friend’s is in the army or navy, or can claim the Dr., Prof., or any other prefix to his name, there is no impropriety in speaking of him as the colonel, doctor, or whatever his title may be.”
So in other words, always be sure to call him Mr. Whatever-His-Last-Name-Is., for the sake of respect. And when you are speaking, this rule will be handy to keep in mind as well:
“Be careful always to speak in a distinct, clear voice; at the same time avoid talking too loudly, there is a happy medium between mumbling and screaming. Strive to attain it.”
Book 3: The Gentlemen’s Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness Being a Complete Guide for a Gentleman’s Conduct in all his Relations Towards Society (1860)
Whew! This one has a lengthy title–and a serious ring to it, too. If I could only use one word to describe this one, it would be respect. Respect for older men. Respect for strangers. Respect for friends. And above all, respect for women.
“Lazy, lounging attitudes in the presence of ladies are very rude.”
“The most truly gentlemanly man is he who is the most unselfish.”
“Nothing can be more ill-bred than to meet a polite remark addressed to you, either with inattention or a rude answer.”
“You may bow to a lady who is seated at a window, if you are in the street; but you must not bow from a window to a lady in the street.”
And then there was the matter of gloves. Not leather work gloves or gardening gloves, but the dress kind of gloves. Throughout the book there are a lot of side comments about gloves and how they should be used. My tough, get-your-hands-in-the-dirt brothers were horrified when I shared these quotes with them:
“To be in the fashion, an Englishman must wear six pairs of gloves in a day”
“Never dance without gloves. This is an imperative rule. It is best to carry two pair, as in the contact with dark dresses, or in handing refreshments, you may soil the pair you wear on entering the room, and will thus be under the necessity of offering your hand covered by a soiled glove, to some fair partner. You can slip unperceived from the room, change the soiled for a fresh pair, and then avoid that mortification.”
Who would have guessed that gloves could be such a serious matter, even a cause for mortification?
Which rules would you find the hardest to follow? Share your thoughts!